


I've still got love for you

by moichidou5



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Angst, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Unhappy Ending, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-27
Updated: 2020-07-30
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:35:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25541440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moichidou5/pseuds/moichidou5
Summary: Yeosang is helplessly in love when he starts coughing up dahlias.
Relationships: Choi San/Jung Wooyoung, Jung Wooyoung/Kang Yeosang
Comments: 9
Kudos: 62





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hi, there^^  
> this is my first work for this fandom and also my first fanfic in years so please bear with me.  
> i’ve been obsessed with the hanahaki tag and woosang so here i am, hopefullly you’ll enjoy it. title taken from seven by taylor swift, listen to the whole album, you won’t regret it. well, this is it, please do tell me what you think of it.

The Hanahaki Disease is an illness born from unrequited love, where the patient’s throat will fill up with flowers, later they will proceed to cough up the petals. One of the only ways to cure the disease is if, the said person returns the feeling. It can also be removed through surgery, though the feelings disappear along with the petals. If the person suffering from the disease chooses to not have the surgery, or the feeling is not returned in time, then the their lungs will fill up with flowers, and will eventually suffocate.

\--

Yeosang can’t exactly pinpoint the exact moment he fell for Wooyoung, isn’t sure if it was sometime during their short breaks in between long dance practices, or on those rare occasions when they would sneak out of their dorm, just the two of them, to go get ice cream from the nearby grocery store, or maybe during one of their usual movie nights where they would tuck themselves in Yeosang’s bed because Wooyoung’s was deemed too messy by the elder and he “Sure as hell ain’t going anywhere near it” at which Wooyoung would just roll his eyes and sigh as he took the popcorn bowl with him marching towards their shared room; it happened every time and he’s used to it by now.  
Yeosang’s not sure if it was any of those moments or maybe one that he can’t recall, but he’s not exactly bothered by it; he’s never been one to mull over such unimportant details when there were more imminent problems at hand, those being the fact that he’s in love with his bestfriend who’s also dating their friend and bandmate San, and that ever since those two got together the elder started coughing up dahlia petals.  
Only when he went to look it up did Yeosang learn about the rare yet fatal Hanahaki disease, it was quite ironic how the name rolled out on his tongue quite poetically, while it filled his insides with not only flowers but also, dread. It was just Yeosang’s luck that not only did he have to suffer from heartbreak everytime the love of his life smiled or kissed San, but the sight quite literally killed him; slowly, but surely, with every painful breath he took he was drawing closer to his own death. He would’ve laughed at how ridiculous the whole situation seemed to be if only it wasn’t so tragic.  
\--  
When he coughed up the first flower petal it was late in the evening (or early morning however you decide to interpret it), they had just gotten back to the dorm after another exhausting day at the studio recording for their new album, the excitement that Yeosang felt whenever they were recording new songs or practicing new choreos seeping out of his body, replaced by exhaustion from the long day. As he was getting ready to go take a shower he heard a familiar voice giggle, curiously he peeked his head out of his room into the corridor and unsurprisingly saw that the person giggling was indeed his best friend of five years, what surprised him though was the fact that said bestfriend was trapped between one of their bandmates’ arms, back leaning on the wall, as the latter tried to kiss Wooyoung who was barely containing his gleeful laugh; not wanting to interrupt their moment Yeosang turned back and made his way straight to the bathroom, unsure on why his chest suddenly felt heavier than moments ago.  
Yeosang’s no fool, he’d seen the innocently shared glances that lasted too long for them to be only that, noticed the hands that lingered for a moment too long on each other, whenever San and Wooyoung were in close proximity, noticed the blush creeping on Wooyoung’s neck and later on on his cheeks as San would lean close, (closer than necessary, if you ask Yeosang) to whisper something in his ear, he’d seen it all and yet he still didn’t see that coming, not so soon, not while the older was still trying to figure out why his heart would suddenly flutter whenever Wooyoung was mere feet apart, not while he was still trying to figure the curious feeling that has started blooming in his chest.  
And yet here he is, behind the closed door of one of their dorm’s bathroom, clenching on his chest while he heaves, a funny feeling in his throat as he tries to get out whatever it is that’s stuck in there, one last cough and he sees a couple of flower petals in his palm as he brings it back from his mouth, he stares at them for so long when he hears Mingi calling for him outside the door, asking if he’s done with his shower yet, he’s still processing what happened as he quickly takes off his clothes and gets under the hot water; later in the safety of his bed he searches up “coughing up flower petals” on Naver and he’s not sure if he should laugh or cry at the results he gets.  
On the next day San and Wooyoung announce their relationship to the whole group, hands clasped and smiling bashfully as the other members start hollering while congratulating them , Yeosang is sure that he wants to cry then.  
That night when they go back to the dorm after long dance practice in which Yeosang obviously overexerted himself, he asks Seonghwa if he could take a shower first and runs to the bathroom as soon as he gets a positive response from their eldest, after closing and locking the door behind himself, he collapses to the ground near the toilet bowl and starts throwing up more flower petals; only after what felt like eternity but couldn’t have been more than 5 minutes does the flower petals stop coming out and his coughing dies out only to be replaced by quiet sobs that he’s been keeping in since this morning, Yeosang finally lets himself cry.

\--  
Keeping his illness from his bandmates has been a difficult feat considering they're around each other 24/7, but the fact that it’s been almost two months since he’s started throwing up dahlias whenever he so much as caught sight of the new couple standing next to each other (which was always, ugh), he’d say that he’s done pretty good job hiding it.  
They had their comeback, Fever doing exceptionally well both physically and, surprisingly, digitally which brought them 3 music show wins and so much delight that he’d never be able to forget and repay the fans for.  
During those 2 months he tried his best to ignore the painful tug in his chest, the feeling of flowers growing around his organs, constricting them, making it hard to breath and swallow and live on.  
He lost 4 kilograms because he was unable to keep any intake of solid food, resulting to his new addiction to soups and porridge as Jongho jokingly calls it, he gets to the point where Hongjoong is all but forced to take him aside and ask him if anything was wrong or if there was anything he could him with, worried eyes searching his own tired ones, Yeosang tries to muster up a convincing smile and tells his that he’s just tired and that schedules have been taking a toll on his body, when both know that that’s not true; hell, he’s done an entire world tour just on his excessive energy and could’ve gone through more without getting as much as a light stomachache because american food was too greasy for him.  
Hongjoong looks at him doubtfully but decides to trust him this once, after all Yeosang along with Seonghwa and maybe Yunho, is part of the “responsible line” in the group so he sighs and pats him on the shoulder, he leaves but not before telling him that he’ll always be there for him whenever the younger needed him. Yeosang can’t wait for them to go back to the dorm so he could go to this newly found safe haven, also know as their bathroom, so he can finally set free the flowers burning out at his throat and the tears that he’s doing his best at repressing.  
That night when he’s finally done pucking his guts out while crying his heart out, he sits on the floor staring at the bathroom tiles, thinking about how much easier everything would be if only he underwent the surgery to get the flowers out, how much easier it would be to take a breath without the dahlias clamping his esophagus, how much lighter he would feel without the constant dread pooling at the pit of his stomach whenever he so much as opens his mouth, trying to supress the petals from falling and getting him discovered by any of his band mates.  
But he could never go along with it, not when it would take so much of him, because his love for Wooyoung was everything. It was because of the younger that he got where he is now, it was the younger dancer’s smile that kept him going whenever he was on the verge of giving up, it were Wooyoung’s hands and their wild gestures that kept pushing, sometimes even dragging him forward and he could never give those up. Not when it was all thanks to Wooyoung that he got to experience what love felt like, even if that same love was what's bringing him closer to his end.  
So he kept going, kept trying, kept pushing himself to the limit until he simply couldn’t anymore.  
It’s four months since he coughed up his first flower petal, two since they concluded their promotions and got right into recording and practicing for their next album, when Yeosang’s condition worsened, his coughing fits got more frequent and he barely could keep any food in, he didn’t have any strength to get up in the morning let alone dance for 10 hours every day, he barely could keep the flowers in whenever he opened his mouth to talk (or more like answer, since it’s been a long time since he initiated a conversation) to his band mates, it was next to impossible to record the few lines he got in their new album that it was getting out of hand. The producers and choreographers started calling him out more frequently, taking out their frustration on him, and the worse was that he couldn’t blame them. He knew he was ruining their recording sessions by keeping everyone for longer than necessary, knew that he kept making it harder for the guys who had to keep dancing with him until he got that one move right, knew that he was staring to hold the guys back, more so than usual, and he would put an end to it. He wouldn’t let himself be a weight that would down his band mates, to his brothers, to the love of his life.  
He wasn’t that selfish.  
Maybe if he were he wouldn’t be in the situation he is in right now.  
\--  
It’s another day in the practice room for Ateez, the guys sans Yeosang, who wasn’t feeling well that morning, were all sprawled on the floor waiting for their manager to bring them the fried chicken he had went out to buy as a reward for their hard work, when the door opened revealing their bandmate walking in accompanied by a company employee they didn’t recognize.  
Yeosang stopped in the middle of the room, avoiding eye contact with any of them, which worried their leader, Hongjoong stood up and went to him asking him how he was feeling, if he was ready to practice with them and that he’d come just in time for his favorite chicken trying to lighten up the tension that was emitting from the younger; it did the complete opposite, the younger’s shoulder sagged up and he finally looked at the older boy with glistening eyes.  
“I’m quitting the group”, it was said in a whisper, Yeosang’s voice raspy and small and just so broken, as they’ve never heard it before much like the boy before their eyes.  
If till then only Yeosang and Hongjoong were standing up now everyone got on their feet, a pregnant silence filling the once serene practice room, 7 pair of eyes were staring at the boy in the middle of it trying to understand what he just said.  
The first one to break the silence was Wooyoung by laughing out loud, his laugh hollow almost hysteric to the ears of the other people in the room;  
“Very funny Kang Yeosang, you should've become a gagman instead of a singer”, the young dancer said making Yeosang cringe, the older kept avoiding the younger’s eyes, deciding to look at their leader instead.  
“What is this about Yeosang, you can't be serious?” The leader murmured quietly too afraid of the younger’s answer, as he should have been because his next words sent his mind into a spiral;  
“You heard me right hyung, I’m leaving Ateez. I’m done with this life. I-” he didn’t even get to finish his sentence before he felt someone tugging at his shirt’s collar, hard, he looked up only to be met by Mingi’s furious eyes, the older was startled by the rapper’s aggressiveness but kept his mouth shut.  
“What nonsense are you spouting out,Yeosang? It’s not funny anymore. Stop it.” The last part was said in such a low voice that it made Yeosang shive, alerting Hongjoong in case fists were to fly among his younger bandmates, the tension in the room obvious to everyone by now, mixed with confusion and hurt and the older could feel a dull ache starting to ponder behind his closed eyelid. The leader couldn’t believe what was happening, he couldn’t even begin to comprehend it. He’s noticed that there was something off about Yeosang in the past few months but after he confronted him that one time and got reassured by the younger that everything was alright, he didn’t bring it up anymore, deciding to dedicate his time on composing for their new album; not the smartest decision he’s ever taken it seems, especially not now that he gets a better look at his younger bandmate, ex bandmate? Hongjoong just wants to go home and sleep.  
“I’m being serious guys, I’m sorry that I’m telling you only now but I’ve been considering it for a while now. I’m sorry for leaving like this, I hope the new album is a success, I’m sure it would be, especially with how much effort you all have put into it. I’m sure that you’ll become Ateez that you people would be proud of, I’m already proud of each one of you guys. Thank you for everything you’ve done for me, for all the memories and moments we spent with each other. I’ll always be thankful for getting the chance to meet you and spend my youth with you.” Once he was done with his little monologue,Yeosang quickly turned his back to them and hurriedly left the room, leaving the others stunned, Seonghwa was the first to snap out of his reverie and when he tried to follow the younger boy he was stopped by the employee who had come in with the latter not long ago, Seonghwa tried to pry his arm away from the man but to no avail, the man only tightened his hold on the singer.  
“Leave him be. He already sorted everything out with the company, you won’t be able to do anything to stop him.” The older male said, finality in his voice that made the younger boys nod unconsciously.  
Seven pair of eyes stared hopefully at the door in hopes that Yeosang would suddenly run in, laughing at them, saying just how ridiculous they have looked and how they should’ve seen their expressions.  
It didn’t happen. It never did.  
\--  
The news of Yeosang leaving shook the idol world in the next few days, fans were distraught and angry and confused, they didn’t know what to feel or think but all that didn’t matter when the news of his passing reached them, nothing could’ve prepared for the moment they read “Kang Yeosang, ex-member of boy group Ateez, found dead in his apartment engulfed in a deathbed of bloodied dahlias.”


	2. One day it will stop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He was the cause of it all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, i ended up writing an epilogue of sorts, hope you like it!   
> Please do tell me what you think of it hehe  
> title taken from lee hi's holo (the song is a masterpiece)   
> btw, im in looooove with fever pt.1!! i'm so proud of ateez TT

Wooyoung stood still while staring blankly at the stone in front of him, his mind wandering in million places yet going nowhere; it was as if he couldn’t produce a coherent thought, as if he wasn’t really there, as if this was all a dream. 

_ Oh, how he wished it was. _

_ \-- _

To say that the news of Yeosang’s sudden departure from Ateez left the fans flabbergasted was an understatement, well, who could blame them? No one had seen that coming. Not even the closest people to the member, ex-member, in question. 

That night after Yeosang’s fateful visit at the practice room, the seven remaining members went back to their dorm in all different states of shock; Seonghwa dragged his feet tiredly, mind clouded while trying to calm Mingi and Jongho who were pacing around their living room furiously, Yunho had quickly retreated to his room while trying to hide the unshed tears in his eyes, Hongjoong had stayed behind because he still had to discuss on how to deal with “this whole mess” with their company and San was trying (and failing) to make Wooyoung talk to him, Seonghwa looked sadly at their main dancer, the younger had such a distraught expression on his face it broke the elder’s heart. 

Seonghwa knew that the news had had a negative impact on all of them, but it was way worse for the main dancer, Wooyoung and Yeosang had been friends for so long, hell, the latter had been the reason why the dancer had come to their company in the first place, chasing after Yeosang with whom he’d made the promise to debut _together_ despite _anything and everything;_ Seonghwa couldn’t possibly imagine what the younger was feeling right now and it made him feel useless, he was the hyung, the one who was supposed to comfort them, supposed to be their pillar and yet he was powerless in the face of the recent events that had occurred. 

The elder heard San trying to coax his boyfriend into eating something, since he hadn’t had anything since their breakfast, but the only response he received was the latter’s getting up from their coach and locking himself in his and Yeosang’s shared room. 

None of the members got a wink of sleep that night.

\--

The week after must’ve been the toughest one in their careers so far, the blackash that they had received from fans and antis alike was awful, but still not as much as the one directed at Yeosang, Hongjoong kept worrying about the younger in spite of the fact that he was the one who caused it in the first place, the last time he had seen the younger boy, he didn’t look fine at all, Yeosang had been trying so hard to look strong, unaffected, but Hongjoong knew better, they all did; after all it was Yeosang they were talking about, and the younger had always worn his heart on his sleeve which made it impossible not to worry for the younger, it was stronger than Hongjoong, even if Yeosang wasn’t part of the group anymore the older was still his hyung, and that would never changed. Until it did. 

The morning they received the news had been cold, not any different from other October mornings they’ve had so far, it was a week before their anniversary and their were busy preparing for a special concert to surprise their fans, the members were all in the kitchen having breakfast when their manager had told them about Yeosang’s passing. Needless to say that that morning they didn’t go to work. 

\--

Yeosang had been throwing up even more flowers since he left the group, a fact that didn’t surprise him, even though it hurt, _a lot_ , but at least now he didn’t have to hide his bloody coughing; he’d decided to rent a small flat instead of going back home to his parents’ house, not wanting them to see the pitiful state he was in. He wanted his loved ones to remember the always happily smiling, radiant Yeosang he used to be and not the pathetic excuse of a human being he had become. 

Being alone as he was nearing death had Yeosang thinking and reflecting on his past, he started to remember memories that had been long forgotten, started to recall little moments of his childhood that brought nostalgy along with them, moments from his high school years when he first started dreaming of becoming a singer, memories of when he first entered bighit and met the hailstorm that was Jung Wooyoung and for some reason the pain in his chest lessened.

Yeosang didn’t want to live his last days regretting so he tried his best not to think about what his future would’ve looked like if he had had the courage to confess his feeling to his best friend, tried to not think about what he would’ve been doing if he hadn’t fallen for Wooyoung, after all and despite it all, he wouldn’t have it any other way. 

Wooyoung had made him feel alive, and the fact that he was the cause for his death could never change that. 

Wooyoung had been the reason for all of his blinding smile, the cause behind his every hearty laugh, the only one who could make him cry one moment and cackle like a madman in the next, he had been the reason for everything Yeosang had done and been till the very end. 

Yeosang released his first and last painless breath while clenching a polaroid of Wooyoung, _the cause of it all._

\--

Wooyoung couldn’t cry, he couldn’t think, couldn't breathe, it was all _too much_ ; the photo adorning the stone in front of him had him fall on his knees, Yeosang’s brialliant smile blinding him for a second before he lowered his eyes, unable to look at it any longer, he clenched his fists which caused the polaroid in his hands to crumble. He wanted to scream. He wanted to cry. He couldn’t cry, he didn’t have the right to. 

_ He was the cause of it all.  _


End file.
